Bill Stewart Must Go (dot) COM

I was just walking around the office a few minutes ago when someone asked me if I heard who the MVP for the National League was this year.  I had no idea so he told me it was Poo Holes.  And not only did Poo Holes win, but Poo Holes won unanimously.

It’s hard to argue with making poo holes an MVP.  I think we’re all in agreement when we say poo holes are important.  I don’t know of anything more important than poo holes really.  For those who don’t know, poo holes primary function is to expel feces, unwanted semi-solid matter produced during digestion, which, depending on the type of animal, may be one or more of: matter which the animal cannot digest, such as bones; food material after all the nutrients have been extracted, for example cellulose or lignin; ingested matter which would be toxic if it remained in the digestive tract; and dead or excess gut bacteria and other endosymbionts (Wikipedia, of course).

Now whether that function is enough to warrant an MVP for the National League or not is something of which I cannot judge.  I thought it was an odd choice since Joe Mauer of the Minnesota Twins was voted the AL MVP on Monday.  Had the AL given the award to Urethra or Ureter, I would understand giving the nod to Poo Holes.  But instead, the AL gave it to an actual person so I would think the NL would follow suit.

Regardless, congratulation to all the Poo Holes everywhere.  This is an award that is probably long overdue.  They obviously have done a great job all season long and deserve recognition.

Poo Hole Slowly and Gingerly Accepts NL MVP Trophy

There’s just so much to say about this that I don’t even know where to begin. Michael Jackson joke? Steroid joke? I’m just so torn that I won’t say anything…

Little boys, beware

Arod sucks. Jeter blows. Big daddy George isn’t sick, he’s just been gang-banging all the umpires that took part in the 2009 postseason….. The Yankees live off of rich fat f@(ks who buy the 1,000 dollar seat behind homeplate, only to sit and send pictures of arods ass to eachother with their cell phones. It’s horrible. Many people seem to think that Aroid finally came alive in the postseason. Grant it, yes, he did produce in the ALDS and ALCS, but when you look at his numbers in the Series, you’ll see he did Madonna one to many times. Remember the homerun that hit off the camera? The Yankees suck. They are a fluke. Go Pirates.

Thats not milk on my lip.....

In what has to be considered the upset of the decade, the New York Yankees somehow managed to overcome all odds and win the World Series against the might Philadelphia Phillies.

“It’s an amazing day to be a Yankee,” said Manager Joe Girardi.  “It’s tough to put a good team together on a shoestring budget.  Steinbrenner said $201.4 million was as high as he would go to buy a World Series.  That really put the pressure on our team.  It would have been nice to have a few expensive additions but the Yankees organization just can’t afford that.”

Alex Rodriguez, who had an amazing playoff run, said he had to take one for the benefit of the team this year.  “It was a tough decision to stay in New York and only pull down $33 million,” said the Yankees third baseman.  “But I thought this could be a special team so I decided to stay with it even though payroll is light.  And this World Series makes the sacrifice well worth it.”

What makes this World Series run amazing is the number of low-budget players the Yankees have on the roster.  Derek Jeter, the team’s captain, makes a paltry $21.6 million.  The highest paid pitcher, A.J. Burnett, made $16.5 million this year.

“It’s the Yankees though,” said Burnett.  “I probably could have gone elsewhere and made real money but I really wanted to play for these Yankee fans.  They deserve this World Series.  Looking at the record book, this is only their 27th.  That has to be disappointing.”

The real question is whether this team will expand their budget next year or look to try to repeat on the same low end payroll.  It will be difficult, no doubt.

“I hope management looks at what this team accomplished and opens up the wallet a little,” said Mark Teixeira, who is only making $20.6 million this year.  “I understand wanting to get the payroll under control but these players work hard and I think they deserve to get paid a little more.  I want to remain a Yankee for life but, obviously, they’re going to have to become a little less frugal.  But that’s for later.  Tonight, we celebrate a World Series!”

Please, sir, just a few dollars to put in our money clip

Long Duk Dong here, reporting from New York City. Fresh off of the disappointing Game One of the 2009 World Series, I was able to gain an exclusive interview with Alex Rodriguez’s Left Testicle.

LONG DUK DONG:  Thanks for taking the time to meet with me.  I know you haven’t gotten much rest here recently in the middle of the World Series.  Left Testicle, may I ask where Right Testicle is this morning?

LEFT TESTICLE:  Please, call me leftie.  That’s with an I-E for the transcription.  Rightie is out with Kate Hudson actually.  They wanted to get a quick breakfast since they haven’t been able to spend much time together since the playoffs started.

DONG:  Well, thanks for meeting with us.  It’s been a tumultuous year for Alex.  Go through it quickly for me.

LEFTIE:  Yeah, it has been.  Alex didn’t want to admit to using illegal performance enhancing drugs but got snared.  But he’s bounced back well and he’s brought us along for the ride.

DONG:  Take me back to 2001.  How did Alex’s anabolic steroid use affect you and Rightie?

LEFTIE:  It was hard, Dong.  Alex treated us differently.  We felt minimized.  I felt this intense pressure all the time while Alex was taking steroids.  Honestly, Dong, we felt small and inadequate.  Alex might have been swinging his bat, but we certainly weren’t, if you know what I’m saying.  (*Laughter*)  Honestly, while his production was going up, ours was going down.  I think you catch my drift, right Dong?

DONG:  Yeah, low sperm count.  Alex says he stopped in 2003.  Is that the whole story?

LEFTIE:  Well, I would say 2003 sounds about right.

DONG:  And how did that affect you?

LEFTIE:  Within 3-4 weeks, we were feeling back to normal.  His production was still good and ours was through the roof.  (*Laughter*)  It’s a good thing he stopped when he did or Rightie and I may have completely disappeared and you’d be interviewing Left Breast right now (*More Laughter*)

DONG:  Indeed.  So, overall, are you happy?

LEFTIE:  I think so, Dong.  There was that spell with Madonna.  You want to talk about scary.  I really didn’t enjoy the thought of dealing with warts for the next several years, if you catch my drift (*Laughter*)  But, seriously, that was scary shit.

DONG:  Yeah, genital warts, right?

LEFTIE:  Yeah, if you want to be like bluntly honest about it.  I was afraid that bitch was gonna give me genital warts.  Can’t I insinuate anything?

DONG:  Don’t get testy.  (*Dong Laughs*)

LEFTIE:  Ha.  Are we done?

DONG:  Sure.  Any last remarks?

LEFTIE:  Things are going well.  Rightie and I are hoping to get to lay on a World Series Trophy soon.  Kids, talk to your testicles before doing steroids, please.  And, ummm, I think that covers it.

DONG:  Thanks for your time, Leftie.  It was a pleasure.

Fearing there were not enough steroids remaining in baseball, the St. Louis Cardinals have invited Mark McGwire back to act as the new hitting coach.  Tony La Russa agreed to return to the franchise in a one-year deal as long as McGwire could bring his “special” talents back to the game.

“I’m a big fan of his,” the manager said. “He’s back in uniform and, hopefully, people will see his greatness. But the No. 1 reason he’s here is to coach our hitters.”

Of course he’s there to “coach” the “hitters.”  La Russa obviously couldn’t say what he was thinking:  We’ve been struggling the last couple years and I would like McGwire to come back to the dugout and inject steroids into our players asses.  A performance enhancer here or there could make the difference between sitting at home in October and playing in the World Series in November.  I’m getting old and we’re getting desperate.  Bring on the PEDs!

Left or Right Cheek?

I am here to sound off on the most pitiful, suckish, poorly managed team in all of professional sports… The Pittsburgh Pirates. Yes they have become even worse than the Rams, lions, the NBA Kings, and the Nationals. Poor management has lead to poor coaching, player ability, and respectibility(if thats a word)

Neil Huntington and Bob Nothing have ruined the team, from trading away the likes of Jason Bay, Xavier Nady, Nate the Great, and many more… Allowing free agents such as Barry Balls and Tim Wakefield have also killed us.. We have a brand new ballpark, and it is very sad to see only 2000 fans in the seats. When going into the pro shop at the park, they cannot sell jerseys, because they trade away the players too much. Also manager Choices: Lloyd Mcclendon, Jim Tracy, John expressionless Russel? Seriously, why would you hire a black guy to coach the art of baseball? We need a new front office now, before the pirates turn into the Lions, and go 0-162… And the Yankees blow

Will they play We Are Family at the funeral?

I really like baseball.  I enjoy going up and catch a Pirates game even though they are the most miserable franchise to walk the earth in the last 17-years but that’s really another article.  Seriously, I don’t want to talk about the f$@*in’ Pirates.  Anyway, I really enjoy baseball and love the post-season.  The games are generally exciting and it really does come down to one swing of the bat.  But there are some obvious flaws to baseball that just drive me crazy:

1. The speed of the game.  It’s especially bad in the playoffs.  Yes, every pitch can determine the outcome of a game.  But sometimes the time between pitches seems infinite.  A pickoff play to first, shake off a sign, visit from the catcher, a quick jackoff in the dugout, a haircut, a colonoscopy; they all add up and hurt the flow of the game.  Last night’s game between the Yanks and Angels lasted 3 hours and 40 minutes.  Baseball needs to find a way to move the game along a little quicker.
2. Umpires are not perfect.  Nor should they be.  I would never, ever advocate replay for the strikezone.  I enjoy the leniency umps have in determining balls and strikes.  But I think there should be replay for obvious errors in the field.  A foul ball v. fair ball.  A pickoff play.  Real orgasm v. fake orgasm.  These are things that can be reviewed and fixed.  Of course, it could slow down the game.  If MLB uses replay like college football has, games will last 18 hours.  Why do college football replays take so long?  That’s a different article I suppose.
3. I like the long season but some people say it makes the games less meaningful early in the season.  I say bullshit.  Look at the teams that miss the playoff by one game.  ONE GAME after 162 games.  But to make games more meaningful, a player should be sacrificed to the rancor after every 25 losses.  Sure, Pittsburgh won’t have any players left but that will definitely increase the urgency of each game.
4. Parity is probably the biggest knock on baseball.  The Yankees spend $208 million dollars while Pittsburgh spends $25 million.  Luxury tax be damned!  How can the smaller market teams compete?  My solution is to give every player on a team that spends less than $75 million a gun with one bullet and they can shoot one player of an opposing team throughout the season.  This will increase parity a bit, encouraging owners to get below $75 million and encouraging high market players to go to smaller teams and take smaller salaries.  How many times to do you think Alex Rodriguez will be shot?

Those are just a few ideas.  I still like baseball and will enjoy the Yankees / Phillies World Series.  The only real question that remains to me is this:  why does Joba Chamberlain have jizz all over his hat?  I guess some problems we can never fix.

I use my hat for lots of reasons

Just watching the ALCS and Alex Rodriguez just his another homerun.  What’s all nice and all but when he returned to the dugout, some dude came over and wrapped a towel around A.Rod’s head and proceeded to wipe the sweat.  First, what qualifies someone to be a sweat wiping boy?  Is there some school for wiping the sweat from A. Rod’s head?  Second, how do I get a sweat wiping person?  Perhaps I get sweaty on occassion and would like for someone to wipe my brow.  How do I go about receiving resumes for this position?  Please let me know.

Go Blue!