Bill Stewart Must Go (dot) COM

Raise your hand if you haven’t been named as a potential replacement for Charlie Weis at Notre Dame.  Okay, Bill, you can put your hand down.

Urban Meyer, Bob Stoops, Brian Kelly, Randy Edsell,  Tony Dungy, Tim Brewster…among millions of others have been named as possible replacements for the great Jabba.  And now a man who said he wasn’t interested in the job, Jim Harbaugh, might actually be interested in the job.  According to the Chicago Sun-Times:

Multiple sources told the Sun-Times that Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh met Monday in Chicago with reps from the Atlanta-based Parker group to discuss the ND job.

Harbaugh had previously denied any meeting with Swarbrick and, technically, that’s true.  But he’s another guy who now seems willing to leave his upstart program for the glitz and glammer of Notre Dame.  I still think Kelly will get the job at the end of the day but, as this search prolongs, more coaches are getting dragged into the mix.  Always entertaining.  At least our coach isn’t flirting with Notre Dame…yeah.

Taking the old “if you can’t beat them, steal their coach” approach, Notre Dame seems to have centered its coaching search on two candidate, UConn’s Randy Edsell and Cincinnati’s Brian Kelly, both members of the Big East Football Conference.  The same Big East Conference that Notre Dame is 0-4 against in the last 2 years.  But the same conference that the prestigious Notre Dame is too good to join for football.  For such a horrible conference, every team wants our coaches (See: Rich Rodriguez, Bobby Petrino, Greg Schiano, Brian Kelly, Bill Stewart, Randy Edsell).

It looks pretty likely that Kelly is going to jump ship and join the Irish.  It is being reported that there is a sitdown schedule tomorrow between Notre Dame officials and Kelly.  I personally hope that Kelly decides to reject the offer from Notre Dame and reject it publicly after it has been made.  And then Edsell to follow the same line.  It’s unlikely but it would definitely be awesome.

The job search is on at the coaching death trap that is Notre Dame.  The leading candidates are:

Brian Kelly, Cincinnati

Jim Harbaugh, Stanford

Gary Patterson, TCU

Bob Stoops, Oklahoma

Brian Kelly’s name has been floating out there the most and he is clearly the leading candidate.  Kelly has had much success in his short tenure in Cincinnati.  Kelly also won the MAC Championship in 2006 while at Central Michigan.  In short, Kelly would be crazy to not take the job.  Cincinnati’s fan base is limited and Nippert Stadium only holds approximately 35,000 fans.

Coaching at Notre Dame may be a career killer for Kelly as the expectations are higher than Randy Moss in the off-season.  I am sure Kelly will receive fair compensation for the lack of job security as did Charlie Weis who will walk away with a rumored $18 million buyout.  The Notre Dame job may be bad for Kelly’s career but great for his bank account.

Weis can eat at Golden Corral 1,800,000 times with the money from his buyout.

It has been reported that the firing of Charlie Weis has caused Notre Dame to lose one of the most highly touted quarterback recruits in the history of college football.

“The kid could perform miracles on the field,” said one scout.  “I don’t want to say the guy could walk on water but, really, I think he could have.  I’ve just never seen anyone do the kind of things he can do on the field.”

As a senior, the QB was named The Associated Press National Class AAAA football player of the year.  He four-time All-American selection was named to the “All Wold” team by the USA Today and the “Terrific 25″ by the New York Times. The QB was also named by both the USA Today and Sports Illustrated as their Player of the Year.

“He can throw, he can run,” said Yahweh Smith.  “I just marvel at him.  The people who have gotten to see what he can do pretty much worship him.  And he’s just a great guy who cares about everyone around him.  He brings people over to his house alot and feeds them.  You never think he’s going to have enough food but then, somehow, enough appears.  It’s pretty remarkable, I guess.”

The high schooler amassed 3,691 yards in total offense — remarkably, split almost equally between running (1,901 yards) and passing (1,790 yards) — in leading his Crusaders to a PIAAAA championship and a 16-0 season. He also accounted for a remarkable 60 touchdowns from scrimmage, rushing for 36 and throwing for 23.  He caught a touchdown pass.  He scored a touchdown nearly once every four times he touched the ball. On defense he had twelve sacks and six interceptions.

“I’ve seen him do some amazing things on the field,” Smith continued.  “But I’ve seen him do some amazing things off the field too.  I swear he cured a man with leprosy.  Some don’t believe me but I’m certain he did.  Some say he’s cured the blind and the disabled and might have even raised someone from the dead.  I find that a bit of a stretch but you never know.  What we can all agree on, though, is that he’s a helluva player on the ball field.”

It is unclear where Jesus will now play his college ball.  Notre Dame still remains an option but there’s a growing fear that his dad may have him skip college football altogether and just return home.

“His dad thinks he may have a higher calling,” said a scout.  “And he may be right.  Who am I to say?”

Jesus has major decisions to make.

By losing their 4th consecutive game (hahahahah!! hahaha!), the Fighting Irish played their ways out of any chance for the Konica Minolta Gator Bowl in Jacksonville, Florida which means a Big East school will play an ACC school.  Before Pittsburgh lost to WVU, most people believed it would be the loser of the Cincinnati / Pittsburgh game who would get the traditional January 1st bowl.  Now, it appears WVU has the inside track for another trip to Jacksonville if they defeat Rutgers.

WVU has always been a more attractive prospect for the Gator Bowl officials.  If Notre Dame was ineligible for the bowl, which they are, WVU easily is the second best choice.  West Virginia fans always travel well and the warmth of Jacksonville is a great attraction at the end of December / beginning of January.  Pittsburgh fans pretty much suck and Cincinnati hasn’t developed a following yet.  And Cincy fans would still be upset over the loss of the BCS bowl bid and probably too pissed to travel.

So, despite all the turmoil this year, if WVU can finish 9-3, it looks like it will be the Gator Bowl.  That’s a far cry from the International Bowl in Toronto everyone was predicting a month ago.  This is the  last year for the current configuration as the Gator Bowl will switch to a Big Ten / SEC matchup in 2011.

Want a playoff in D-I college football?  The NCAA says “f*ck you.”  Well, they didn’t exactly say that.  They said, “Visit our website playoffproblem.com and ‘wait until you realize how much more contentious a playoff would be.’”  It’s obvious why the NCAA is against the prospect of a playoff and it has to do with “playoff creep.”  Here:

In every sport, brackets began with a few teams.  Then schools felt slighted, and so the brackets grew to accommodate more teams.  And grew and grew and grew.  It is known as “bracket creep.”  The NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Championship started with eight teams.  It’s now 65, and some college officials want to expand beyond that.  The NCAA’s Football Championship Subdivision began with a four-team playoff years ago, and now it’s been expanded to 20 teams.  Think about what bracket creep would do to college football: it would greatly diminish the importance of the regular season, and would forever change the bowl system.

And, in that respect, they might be right.  College basketball is looking at maybe expanding to 96 teams or so other ungodly number.  I’ve advocated saying to hell with it and just put every team in the bracket.  It would add like an extra 3 games.  But some of the stuff the website says is just bullshit…not because of the site but because of the BCS.  And here is my biggest problem with the BCS, from How do teams qualify for BCS games?:

3. Other teams can qualify automatically as follows:

A. The highest-ranked champion from the MAC, MWC, WAC, Sun Belt or C-USA qualifies if it finishes in the top 12; (or top 16 if ranked higher than the champion of a conference that has an automatic berth)

B. Notre Dame qualifies if it finishes in the top eight.

WHY?  Why does Notre Dame qualify if it finishes in the Top Eight?  Why doesn’t Notre Dame have to work in the same system as the other non-automatic qualifiers.  Notre Dame should not be given an automatic bid just because they finish in the Top 8.  They should have to compete with the WAC, MAC, SMAC, CRAC, LOJAC and every other team that’s from a non-AQ school.

Notre Dame has never won a BCS bowl since the system has been in place.  The last traditional New Year’s Bowl they won was in 1994 at the Cotton Bowl.  They were on a 9-game losing streak in bowls until last year’s Miracle in Hawaii when they beat the powerhouse Warriors.  Notre Dame blows huge donkey penis.  The other thing that blew my mind was that Notre Dame received $1.3 million from the BCS last year despite going to the f*ckin’ Hawaii Bowl.  How is that even fair?  Notre Dame hasn’t done anything in football since Lou Holtz left.  Argh.

But, I digress.  The launch of the website proves that the NCAA is going to continue fighting against a playoff in D-I football for as long as possible.  I’m not pro- or anti-BCS but there are some inequities in the system that should be fixed.  Like how the f*ck Notre Dame gets $1.3 million and Army and Navy get $100,000 each.  But until the outcry becomes deafening, it looks like we’re stuck with the BCS and those f*ckin Irish of Notre Dame.

Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick announced yesterday that Charlie Weis will be returning to Indiana following the Stanford game and not spend time recruiting on the West Coast.  “Last year if I’m not mistaken, Coach Weis and I met on Tuesday to sort of review the season and evaluate the program,” Swarbrick said. “While I believe word sort of filtered out on Tuesday, we didn’t make a formal announcement until Wednesday. I don’t know that it will be exactly the same, but it will be within the week.”

The decision not to allow Weis to recruit in California following the game is a hit for already suffering restaurants in the area.

“We really count on Charlie Weis to help our bottom line,” said one diner operator in Southern California.  “It’s like Black Friday for our diner.  A trip from Charlie makes or breaks our year.  I don’t know if Notre Dame realizes how much we count on Charlie Weis to come out here and eat.”

“It’s really difficult,” said Tom Smiffigin, the owner of an eatery named Dingleberries.  “Charlie comes in and really supports our business.  It’s nothing for him to lay down $800-900 in every restaurant on our street.  That’s money we could really use this year.”

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was unavailable for comment but it is believed that the lack of a Weis visit will cost the already struggling state much-needed revenue.  Between taxes, tips and toilet sales, it is believed the lack of a Weis visit could cost the state nearly $3 million.

“It’s a shame,” said Smiffigin.  “The man can’t coach worth shit but he could put down a creampie like no other.”

It looks like it’s going to happen…Notre Dame is going to fire Jabba the Weis.  And while tragic, it is something that must be done.  If you don’t believe me, ask Tyrone Willingham.  Anyway, here are some candidates the Irish want and I think they should look at:

• Urban Meyer – Every Fighting Irish fans’ wetdream hire.  Yeah, right.  Why would Urban ever leave the sunshine in Gainsville for Indiana.  I don’t care if he did say it was his dream job…it’s never going to happen.  Meyer has the greatest gig in college football.  Move on.
• Bob Stoops – Having a bad year in Oklahoma and might want out.  Has had some great teams but chokes on big ones.  I mean, chokes in big ones (and maybe on big ones too…).
• Skip Holtz – Son of the last coach who has done shit at Notre Dame.  Already plays a schedule similar to Notre Dame’s at ECU.  Could bring Dr. Lou with him to pump up the players and spit on detractors.
• Bill Stewart – Cheap.  Little or no buyout.  Personal childhood friend of Touchdown Jesus.  Actually went to battle with the Jeweled Shillelagh.  Always happy but can’t see scoreboard.
• Jim Harbaugh – Doubtful he’d be interested since he really wants to go to Michigan next year after they fire Rich Rodriguez.
• Rich Rodriguez – How awesome would that be?  Break out the new Notre Dame black jerseys.
• Knute Rockne:  Pro:  Legendary coach.  Con:  Dead.
• Paul “Bear” Bryant:  See Knute Rockne.
• Don Nehlen – Pro: He isn’t dead yet.
• Joe Paterno – Great coach, good recruiter but actually older than Bill Stewart.
• Me – Yes, me.  I could win 8 games with the talent at Notre Dame right now.  And I’d do it for less than $1 million a year.  Shit, give me a 3-year contract and let’s get this ball rolling.

The best solution for Notre Dame, however, is to just follow in the lead of Northeastern and shut down the program.  It’s obvious that they suck and will never be able to put together a good team again regardless of who coaches them.  Shut it down, Irish.  Just get it over with.  Put yourself out of your own misery…and let the nation celebrate for once.

A yet to be identified person in South Bend lived out everyone’s dream by punching Jimmy Clausen in teh face at CJ’s Pub on early Sunday morning.  Clausen was involved in an altercation in the hours after a double-overtime loss to Connecticut on Saturday, taking a punch to the face in the incident, sources told the Chicago Tribune.  Clausen suffered at least one black eye as a result of the punch.

According to the Tribune, the particulars of the incident are not completely clear but a bartender working at CJ’s Pub said the incident “absolutely did not take place inside the bar.”  The CJ’s said Clausen and family members were at the bar after the Connecticut loss — along with other Irish upperclassmen apparently gathering after their final home game at Notre Dame Stadium.

It is another in an assortment of off-field incidents involving Clausen that date to his first year on campus. He was cited in June 2007 for transporting alcohol as a minor. In August 2008, pictures appeared on the Web site “The Big Lead” depicting a not-yet-21 Clausen and three teammates at what the site labeled “Beer Olympics.”

That punch must have felt so good.